Learning to Understand Your Partner’s Style of Grief
Grief is a normal reaction to a loss and it may include physical and
emotional symptoms. Some of these symptoms may include
irritability, aggression, fear, confusion, guilt, anger, anxiety,
impaired concentration, or a loss of interest in enjoyable activities.
Grief may also affect the quality of your relationship with your
partner: a) it may cause marital conflict, b) it may cause physical and
emotional disconnection, and c) it may bring a couple closer to each
other.
It is important to note that every relationship has its own
shortcomings and even though you may have been able to manage
conflict in the past, dealing with a loss may add stress and affect
your ability to resolve conflict with your partner.
Many couples’ issues arise from lack of communication and
assumptions.
Three Types Of Grieving Styles
- Intuitive grieving: is feeling based e.g crying, talking, processing.
- Instrumental grieving: is doing-based e.g reading, starting a foundation.
- Blended grieving: is combining those two styles as it works for each of you.
What You Can Expect
1.You and your partner will probably get through this on completely different
timelines. Expect many ups and downs, it is also normal for both of you to
experience mixed feelings during this period. It is important to note that while
the type of grief may differ, you are still in it together, just differently.
2. A child-related loss is usually the worst, it will trigger mixed thoughts and
feelings, some of which your partner had not dealt with yet. Being less
judgemental, empathizing with your partner, and listening attentively will
help.
3. Both you and your partner have experienced a significant loss. You may have
lots of feelings about what has happened, such as:- shock;- anger;- grief;- confusion; – failure.
4. Your partner may feel helpless after a pregnancy loss. Seeing your partner in
pain can be very distressing. Unfortunately, pregnancy loss isn’t something you
can stop or control. And the only way to get through it is to be there for each
other and allow the grief process to flow, as difficult as it may be.
5. It is a natural response for your partner to want to be there for you
and for them to attend to other household duties, this may work if your
partner is not feeling overwhelmed by what has happened. Both
partners need to get time to grieve. In some cases, avoidance might be a
way of distracting themselves from reality.
6. Do not rush into making big decisions or disposing of your baby’s
belongings until both you and your partner have processed the
pregnancy loss. You may each be ready at different times.
7. It is normal for your partner to be forgetful, lose concentration, and
focus. He/she will need patience from you.
8. Do not avoid talking about the pregnancy loss, it is important to
share your feelings and thoughts during this period.
9. Discourage your partner from using mood/ mind-altering
substances, these are depressants and will only suppress your partner’s
feelings further. Encourage your partner to try healthy coping skills.
Supporting Each Other
1. Allow yourselves and make time to grieve in your own ways.
2. Communicate about how each one of you understands, processes and
expresses grief.
3. Do a daily check-in:
This is 15-20 minutes a day where you take turns sharing about your day
while the other listens closely. Ask questions and show your care. Do not
give advice, try to fix, or minimize each other’s experience. Here are
open-ended sentences you may try:
- Tell me more . . .
- Say more about that . . .
- What does that mean to you?
- How are you feeling?
- What are you feeling in your body?
- I’m curious about . . .
- What is most important in what you’re telling me?- Reflect on your partner’s feelings e.g that must be hard , sad, etc. . . .
4. Take breaks from grieving. It’s okay to laugh, see a movie or distract
yourself (in healthy ways). Schedule dates, even if it feels like just going
through the motions. Do things you like to do individually and together
(or at least you liked them before your pregnancy loss.
5. Seek support from a wide range of people so it is not all expected from
your partner. Family, friends, support groups, etc will listen too. People
want to help often they just don’t know how. I encourage you to ask for
what you want and need specifically.
6. Be prepared for a resurgence of grief on special days, holidays,
birthdays and anniversaries. Make plans for those days ahead of time.
7. Attend to your body: have sex and attend to your sexual relationship,
eat healthy food and drink lots of water, and exercise regularly.
8. Seek professional support if grief turns into depression.
Exercise
1. Create a list of your coping strategies and share them with each other.
2. Note how your coping strategies complement one another and where
there might be friction.
3. Next brainstorm additional coping strategies that you can each
experiment with. Try these experiments more than once as your moods
will affect them.
